Dear Oro Valley Police Department,

I’m not a resident of Oro Valley, Arizona, but I do pass through from time to time and I’d just like to express my thanks for two recent arrests that have put my mind at ease as an occasional visitor to your area.

Yesterday, after several weeks of investigation, you arrested 44-year-old Hong Chen and 48-year-old Kongmei Wang on charges of ‘practicing massage without a license’ and prostitution. And thank God you caught them!

First, I’m sure we’re all aware of the dangers of unlicensed massage therapy. The harm that could be done by kneading the tissue of a human back, thigh or calf in the wrong direction or with insufficient lubricant is almost unbearable to contemplate. It could chaff, for a start, to say nothing of the importance of correct knowledge about mood-setting, music choice and use of any extra elements such as warm stones or scents.

I’m sure these unlicensed women – were they even born in America, for the love of God? – I’m sure they know little about the difference between Swedish and Shiatsu, between reflexology and acupressure, how a deep tissue and sports massage differ; we must protect the public! People may not understand this, but prison was basically the only option here and I hope these dangerous individuals are put away for a long time.

And with respect to the prostitution charges, let me just say how thankful we all are for the Oro Valley Police Department investigating this for several weeks and making these arrests to protect us from the so-called ‘happy ending’ these ladies dare to practice in their work (their unlicensed work!, I hasten to add).

Nobody should have the option of a happy ending massage in a free country. That much is obvious. Isn’t it enough just to emerge from a massage spa relaxed and ready for a nap? Isn’t that enough? Should anybody need anything more? And I’ll go one step further: I submit to you that it would be flat-out dangerous to add orgasm to this experience! That’s right, dangerous! Experts say that male orgasm is accompanied by a release of prolactin in their brains leading to sleepiness. Is this what we want? Men going to get a so-called ‘happy ending massage’ and driving their cars afterwards while under the influence of sleep-inducing chemicals after being lulled into relaxed states by an unlicensed masseuse? Not I! I don’t want to live in that world. I won’t live in that world!

Some may ask who the victim is in this serious crime. Some may say we should mind our own business. Some may dare to speculate that both the customers and the masseuses are consenting adults, free to live their lives as they wish. Some may think that no harm is done by either a substandard massage or by extending the massage to their groin. Some may think it odd that we wish to make criminals of a couple of poor immigrants trying to survive. Some may say that requiring a license to massage somebody is the idea of a megalomaniacal halfwit; that society would not, in fact, crumble if we treated adults like adults and let them embody the promise of America’s great origins, in liberty, in pursuit of happiness, free from oppression.

But they’re wrong.

And so I thank you. You’ve prevented many needless car accidents and generally given us all a reason to feel safer while driving through Oro Valley. Those unlicensed handjobbing masseuses are off the streets, finally! We can all go about our daily lives at greater peace.

It’s good to know that the Oro Valley Police Department takes crime seriously: murder, child abuse, assault, and happy ending massages by unlicensed masseuses.


John Wright