On John Prescott’s affair:
Blair has the right idea here, in allowing Prescott to keep his job. What “Randy Old Sod” does with his pecker is entirely up to him. There are those who believe that people in government should be held to a higher standard in such matters. But that would be to claim that an extramarital sexual liaison like Randy John’s breaks some universal standard that falls under community judgement, that what he does with his pecker is public interest. Thankfully, that is not the case. The only standards that matter in such circumstances are the ones held by the individual responsible for their own actions. That’s Randy John, not Tony Blair or Joe Public. The man’s an imbecile (for other reasons), but his sex life is nobody’s business but his.

On socialist demonstrations:
Puh-leaze, guys. Socialism is, like, so 1970s. We know – you’re mad about life and the whole world is a conspiracy against you. You want social justice, equality for all, more money for doing the same job, and free piercings on the state – we get it. By the way, next time you break a McDonald’s window, get ready to spend the night sharing a bunk with a seven-foot guy named Lisa – you’re going to jail.

On US immigrant demonstrations:
Don’t even get me started. I paid thousands of dollars and went through a lengthy bureaucratic process to gain residence in this country as a legal immigrant, and now thousands of illegals from Mexico have the audacity to protest in their thousands on American streets today, over proposals to start actually controlling the damned border? Their boycott today of US businesses is disgusting – talk about biting the hand that feeds you. Maybe the rest of us should start boycotting Mexican food, stop tipping Hispanic waitresses and begin to ignore all businesses with Spanish names. Ass-cracks. Next topic, please, before I put my foot through something expensive.

On Chirac The Google Killer:
The French have always been anti-American, but now more than ever. And they couldn’t have a more appropriate leader than French President Jacques Chirac. The man has a serious axe to grind. He hates to see the popularity and immense success of American entrepreneurship around the world. He can’t stand it. He is a cultural bigot, an intellectual sectarian. When a fellow Frenchman committed the profound sin of speaking English at last month’s EU summit, he walked out in protest. How wise. And he obviously feels the same way about Europeans using American software – he has announced “…funding for a series of innovative grants projects, including a Franco-German search engine to compete with Google and Yahoo!.” Evidently Google just doesn’t work well enough. The private sector and the American free market have clearly botched it, and what we really need is a European government running it. Magnifique.

On the price of gasoline:
President Bush’s polls are at an all-time low, and our gas prices are at an all-time high. Now, it’s time for Bush to become a hero to the American people, by telling the environmentalist lobby to shove their voodoo science where it belongs, and by placing enough pressure on US legislatures to guarantee that: (a) government restrictions on development of new refineries will be lifted, (b) the Alaskan Arctic National Wildlife Refuge and other key areas will be open for drilling, and (c) the government will get out of the way of the oil industry, period. Newer, superior energy sources are already a certainty, as the private sector innovates some great technology. But meantime there are numerous reasons for our high gas prices – ‘Big Oil profit’ is not one of them, neither is any lack of oil in the ground. Oil corporation profit accounts for only 9 cents in every $3 gallon of gasoline; taxation accounts for 50 cents. Offers from Big Government to buy us out with $100 each are a joke. The environmentalist lobby and Big Government are the principal reason we’re in this predicament. Oh, and two final points. I find it incredible that we’re hearing from left-liberals on solutions for the high gas prices; this is what they wanted all along! The gas price couldn’t be high enough to fulfil their agenda. And, finally, we’ve been told countless times that the only reason we really went to war in Iraq was for the oil. Well if that was the case, where the hell is it???

John Wright